There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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