you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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