If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
