she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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