I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
