I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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