Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
