I wannas sexs uuuuu
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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