OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
