god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
