you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
