I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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