guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
