So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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