she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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