Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
