I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
