I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
