i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
