Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
