i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
