I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
