Will you blow on my dice?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
