Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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