Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
