dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
