if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
