I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
