I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
