If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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