My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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