everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
