I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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