FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
