It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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