Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
