Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
