My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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