The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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