just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
