nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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