right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
