i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
