you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
