i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
