ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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