got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
