Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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