when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
