omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
