the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
